George the Collie jokes and puns 112



My doctor gave me no help in helping me overcome my shoplifting addiction.

In the end I had to help myself.

Lennon ‘Dear Diary’ – October 1971.

War is over.

New York City, NY. 1971.

Monday 4th October:

Dear Diary,

Imagine sold really well. I’ve been trying really hard over recent years to get my messages across on the strength of personality but you, kind of, feel that people would rather I write songs than lay in bed.

So, I’ve got an idea for a song. A counter culture, anti-war song aimed at the Christmas market. I’m going to try and get a solid message across and try and smash it.

If I can get it out in a month or so – I’m laughing.

The TV has been quite poor recently too so I could do with something to do. Disney World opened in Florida the other day and looks cool so I wanted to take Yoko but she says she’s scared of mice and doesn’t want to go.

Wednesday 6th October:

Dear Diary,

I’ve not got much more than bare-bones melody and half-formed lyrics at the minute. I’ve done a demo on guitar. Yoko has helped with the tune and the lyrics a bit.

Thinking of calling it Merry Christmas. If you’re after a Christmas song, it couldn’t sound much more festive than that could it?!!

I must remember to put Yoko down for a writing credit. And bread. Got to pick up some bread. Eggs too.

Wednesday 13th October:

Dear Dairy,

Someone has stolen my sandals. I left them outside the the apartment last night as i’d trodden in some gum and didn’t want it in the carpet. Gutted as they were just getting comfy.

I’m going have to put on my slippers now which I don’t normally wear until bedtime. It’s not a massive issue but it’s just hammered home to me that I need more shoes.

Dairy is deliberate as I forgot milk again and I am trying mind mapping techniques.

Saturday 16th October:

Dear Diary,

Yoko is happy as we’ve managed to get into the place on Bank Street in Greenwich Village. It’s a nicer area and I’m hoping I have less thefts.

Thursday 21st October:

Dear Diary,

Spoke to Phil Spector. He’s going to help produce the song, hoping to get started next week.

The downside of working with Phil is the paranoia. His, not mine.

He was talking about some Knapp Commission thing in the news and i told him that sleep was very important – Phil told me it was about Police Corruption. I said this was also important.

Yoko brought me some soup for lunch that’s she’d made.

It was a nice gesture but it was vile. I ended pouring it in the pot of a nearby plant.

I told Yoko I’d had an allergic reaction to the aubergine in the soup and it had given me a rash on my foot – I’m hoping that stops her making it again.

Thursday, 28 October:

Dear Diary,

Got the recording going tonight.

Changed the name to Happy Christmas (War is Over) as it just runs better. We laid down the basic instrumental backing and added the main vocal.

Yoko turned up really angry (the plant had died and she claimed I’d killed it – how could she know?), but she still managed to record some backing vocals. Its coming together quite well but lacks something to really fill it out.

Friday 28th October:

Dear Diary,

Made a mistake at lunch. Ordered a salad that had aubergine in it. I didn’t notice Yoko watching me like a hawk and, obviously, I had no reaction to the food. She called me right out on it and made a scene, spilling Parmesan cheese all over my new moccasins.

I’m thinking of changing the song title to Merry Xmas (War is Over) to make it less denominational. Uses less ink for printing too so it’s a win for the planet as well as my wallet.

Sunday 31st October:

Dear Diary,

A mixed day today.

Not the greatest start with the new neighbour. Accidentally scared the old lady who lives in the apartment opposite ours by leaving with my Hallowe’en mask still on.

She was giving me evil eyes as they put her in the ambulance.

Good news – The song is done! We managed to get the kids from the Harlem Community Choir to record backing vocals for the chorus and melody, added a real edge and depth to the song.

You know when you’ve done something that sends shivers down your back it’s so good? I had that for about 20 minutes before Yoko added her vocal to the backing track.

I love the woman and she’s talented but being a great artist doesn’t mean you can sing (as the song will show).

She reminded me of the old woman who lived two doors down in Liverpool who used to pretend she could sing opera when she put the washing out.

Anyway, I can’t really cut her out of the song now, not after that business with the soup.

George the Collie reviews…American Psycho

Unsettling stuff.

Well. Pat Bateman is just awful.

Written by Bret Easton Ellis, this is hard going. I’m not into horror/slasher films let alone books so, initially, I had trouble sticking with this.

It is, fortunately, worth sticking with.

Set in lates 80s Manhattan, the books main character certainly lives up to the books title.

It starts innocently enough but you know that Bateman is not right. The obsessions, the attitudes and points of view make him a hard individual to like and this is not improved once the killings start.

The detail Ellis goes into for the killings and attacks is hard to go through and it gets to the point when you are hoping that Bateman gets caught, that it all goes wrong for him but he keeps going.

More killings, more horrors.

Probably one of the worst buts is recognising tiny parallels with the main character and yourself – scary stuff. Not that I’m a crazed killer.

The obsession gets comical at times, the way Bateman goes to lengths to describe everyone’s clothing and the designer, the quality of a business card and the jealously about almost everything.

The random chapters about Whitney Houston, Genesis, Huey Lewis & The News or high-end electronics just add to the crazy of Bateman.

It’s a good story but does Bateman get his comeuppance?

You’d have to read it.