George the Collie jokes and puns 36

Wrong end of things…..

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

George the Collie jokes and puns 35

Feline fun.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

George the Collie jokes and puns 34

Equine humour.

A man was driving into town, and he fell in a big ditch in the middle of the road.

A farmer came up and said, "My horse Sebastian can pull you out," the man said OK and the farmer got Sebastian.

When Sebastian was hooked up, the farmer said, "Pull Ranger! C'mon Benny! Lets go Delilah!!!!"

Then the farmer said, "Pull Sebastian, pull!"

Then the car was out of the ditch, the man said, "I have a question, why did you say the wrong name three times?"

And the farmer said, "Because Sebastian is blind, if he knew other horses weren't pulling, he wouldn't even try…"

George the Collie jokes and puns 33

Oldie.

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?"